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89 Church Bulletin Bloopers (to Make You Smile)

From actual Church Bulletins……..

  1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  4. Evening massage – 6 p.m.
  5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
  7. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm.  Please use the back door.
  8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
  9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
  10. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

    This is funny!

  11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
  12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
  13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
  14. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  15. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
  16. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
  17. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  18. Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  19. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
  20. An announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.”

    That’s not all…

  21. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers.  Bring your own hot dogs and guns.  Friends are welcome!  Everyone comes for a fun time.
  22. Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  23. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  24. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.  The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
  25. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
  26. The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved…the financial secretary gave a grief report.
  27. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  28. The ‘Over 60s Choir’ will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
  29. The missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine: Name: Bertha Belch.  Announcement: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the Way from Africa.”
  30. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

    You are half-way there~

  31. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  32. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  33. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
  34. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  35. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of several others.
  36. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
  37. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want to be remembered.
  38. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
  39. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
  40. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church.  Children will be baptized at both ends.
  41. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm. – prayer and medication to follow.
  42. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m.  Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  43. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
  44. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  45. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church.  It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
  46. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service.  The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
  47. In the church bulletin during the minister’s illness:  GOD IS GOOD!  Dr. Hargreaves is better.
  48. A worm welcome to all who have come today.
  49. Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

    This is hilarious…

  50. We have received word of the sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service.  Now let’s sing “Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow.”
  51. Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
  52. Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
  53. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
  54. Applications are now being accepted for 2-year-old nursery workers.
  55. Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
  56. Karen’s beautiful solo: “It is Well with my Solo”
  57. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
  58. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
  59. The sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
  60. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
  61. Helpers are needed!  Please sign up on the information sheep.
  62. Thank you, dead friends.
  63. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
  64. Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
  65. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
  66. Hymn:  I am Thin, O Lord.
  67. I am the resurrection and the life.  Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.
  68. Hymn:  I Need Three Every Hour
  69. My joke is easy and my burden is light.

    They are funny, is it? 🙂

  70. Hymn of Response:  Crown Him With Many Cows
  71. Childcare provided with reservations.
  72. Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
  73. When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.
  74. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights.  She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
  75. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success.  Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
  76. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening.  Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
  77. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
  78. Today’s Sermon:  HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
  79. Hymn 43:  “Great God, what do I see here?”  Preacher:  The Rev. Horace Blodgett.  Hymn 47:  “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”
  80. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
  81. The pastor is on vacation.  Massages can be given to church secretary…
  82. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
  83. Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High”
  84. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  85. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  86. The service will close with Little Drops of Water.  One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  87. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
  88. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him.  After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

Those are 89 Church Bulletin Bloopers we have collected. Do you like it? Share your thoughts in the comments below!

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