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27 Signs of Drinking Too Much Coffee

You know you’ve been drinking way too much coffee when…

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  2. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  3. You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
  4. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  5. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  6. Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans.
  7. Cocaine is a downer.
  8. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  9. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  10. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  11. When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
  12. Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  13. You channel surf faster without a remote.
  14. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  15. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  16. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  17. You short out motion detectors.
  18. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  19. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  20. You help your dog chase its tail.
  21. You’re up to four heart attacks a day.
  22. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd’s of London.
  23. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  24. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
  25. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  26. You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination!
  27. You’re passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize you left your car at home!
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