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Dumb Criminals

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.  He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.  Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.  Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture... of handcuffs.  The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it.  The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.  They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.  The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.  Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court.  He handed it over so the judge could see it.  The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer.  Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.  Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off."  The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there."  The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighbourhood.  When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification.  Gaitlan gave them drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.  At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.  The robber then ran from the store with his loot.  The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later.

The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people.  He placed his suspect at the end of the line.  Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money... and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes."  The first four did it right.  However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said."

In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Junior" Williams, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion.  But  he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene.  He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D.  The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, "Yeah, that's the woman I  robbed."

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.  The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.  The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.  "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey.  Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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