Crime Doesn’t Pay

FROM SAN FRANCISCO

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “This iz a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag,” on a deposit slip. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo Bank.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, and surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick-up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK,” and left the Wells Fargo Bank. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later. He was waiting in line back at the Bank of America!

LICENSE TO STEAL

Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked, fled & left the chain still attached to the machine & their bumper (license plate still attached).

IN THE BAG

A “tourist,” supposedly on a golf holiday, made idle chatter at the customs counter. The customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn’t know what a handicap was & asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did – backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. He provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” His partner moved & the startled first bandit shot him.

DEADHEADS

A man in Orange County was ticketed for driving alone in the car pool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in his mortuary van should be counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, “Crook, come forward.” Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON

A woman charged with a traffic violation stated her occupation as school teacher. The judge rose from the bench, “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now sit at that table and write ‘I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.”

AHH, THAT’S BETTER!

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!

A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary with: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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