Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels… I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.”
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, “Oh my. He is kicking.” Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don’t do that when I have gas. Oh my… give me your hand… It wont be long now…
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say I don’t know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote… Why they’re voting I don’t know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON’T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.