Winners of the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay” contest: The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (Russell Beland,
Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with
We know stuff about tanks. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase. We can open all our own jars. We can make decisions without a support group. We can leave
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand. An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets
Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels. “Do you have books here?” “Do you have a list of all the books written
Here are the useless facts that you are looking for! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. The national anthem of Greece has
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful
You know you’ve been drinking way too much coffee when… Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done. How do I set a laser printer to stun? If I throw a
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal.
When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Here’s a list of actual things kids said or wrote while in Sunday school (certificate of authenticity on file… somewhere): In the first book of the Bible, GUINESSIS, God got
Actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out! I will surround their
In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a
You’re too stupid to lead… AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Maybe it’s not Walter who’s
Here are the 66 random things to ponder about… Sweet meets are candy, but sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly. Boxing rings are square. Tell a man that
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are “unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,” committed by young male repeat offenders. They apparently don’t know the first thing about their business. For
These are reportedly taken from real resumes and cover letters. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. Education:
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling): My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for
ON TESCO’S TIRIMISU DESSERT Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING Product will be hot after heating. ON PACKAGING
TOP 8 OLD FOLKS PARTY GAMES Sag, You’re It! Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover,
These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or Officer Efficiency Reports (OERs). Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Okay, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 660: Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI: Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000:
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head
Actual Newspaper Ads and Classifieds: 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON
Actual questions asked to park officials at various National Parks: Grand Canyon National Park: Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator
From the Washington Post Invitational contest, Merge-Matic Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable description of the merged book. “Machiavelli’s The
In large companies, it’s obviously important that memoranda contain lots of important buzzwords. What the memos actually say isn’t particularly important; if it were really important, someone would discuss it
Some of these are old, but they were all actual laws no too long ago! In Nichols County, West Virginia, no minister shall tell a funny story from the pulpit.