Stuff To Ponder

  • Sweet meets are candy, but sweet breads, which aren’t sweet, are meet.
  • Quicksand works slowly.
  • Boxing rings are square.
  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you.  Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
  • Why is it that a writer writes, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, humdingers don’t hum, and hammers don’t ham?
  • If you can make amends, can you just make one amend?
  • If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but just one, what do you call it?
  • Why do you recite at a play but you play at a recital?
  • Why do we ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
  • Why do feet smell and noses run?
  • How can a SLIM CHANCE and a FAT CHANCE be the same, while a WISE MAN and a WISE GUY are opposites?
  • Why is QUITE A FEW the same as QUITE A LOT?
  • How does a building burn up as it burns down?
  • Why do you fill out a form by filling it in?
  • Why does your alarm go off by going on?
  • When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.
  • How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
  • If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?
  • Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it’s made out of BEEF?
  • Why does SOUR CREAM have an expiration date?
  • What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
  • IF “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”, then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
  • Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients, but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons?
  • How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn’t grow in it?
  • Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
  • Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to “CURE” it?
  • Why do we wash BATH TOWELS – aren’t we clean when we use them?
  • Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?
  • Why doesn’t GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
  • What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
  • What’s another word for synonym?
  • Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  • When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
  • When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
  • Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
  • Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?
  • What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
  • Is it possible to be totally partial?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
  • If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
  • Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • Why is it that we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
  • Where do homeless people have 90% of their accidents?
  • If you drove your car at the speed of light, and you turned your headlights on, would they work?
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Why isn’t the word ‘phonetic’ spelled the way it sounds?
  • You know that little indestructible black box on airplanes?  Why don’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
  • If Krystal’s is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, why is there a lock on the door?
  • When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  • What do you call a defective Milk Dud?
  • If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
  • Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  • Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
  • If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?
  • Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosylabic”?
  • Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
  • If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
  • Isn’t Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • What is the speed of dark?
  • Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM’s?
  • If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of ear-rings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
  • What is a “free” gift?  Aren’t all gifts free?
  • After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
  • Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
  • How can there be self-help groups?
  • Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • If olive oil comes from olives where does baby oil come from?
  • What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
  • If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
  • Why do feet smell and noses run?
  • If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
  • If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
  • I found a book in the library with the title “How to Read a Book” if you can’t read a book how can you read a book on how to read a book?
  • Why do manufactures of ladders put stickers on the top step of ladders warning you not to step on that step?  Wouldn’t it be better if there was no step to step on.


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