Officer Efficiency Reports

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These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or Officer Efficiency Reports (OERs).

  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the thingy to hold it all together.
  • A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  • He’s so dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.