21 Funny Answering Machine Messages

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  1. Hi. Now you say something.
  2. Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.  Wait for the beep.
  3. Hello.  I am David’s answering machine.  What are you?
  4. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
  5. Hello.  I’m home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
  6. I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember.  I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.
  7. I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty-dollar bills.  If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.  If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
  8. Hi.  I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.  Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  9. Hi there.  This is Joe speaking.  I’m home right now, and in a moment I’ll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and number and I’ll be thinking about it…
  10. This is Dan Cassidy’s answering machine.  Please leave your name and number, and after I’ve doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
  11. Hello, this is Death.  I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll be right with you.
  12. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial consultation.  However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.  Thank you.
  13. Hello, this is David.  I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number.  On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.  I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back – only that I won’t.
  14. Hi, this is George.  I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
  15. Hello, this is Ron.  I’m not home right now, but I can take a message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.  (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  OK, what would you like me to tell me?
  16. Hi!  John’s answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  17. Hello, this is Sally’s microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
  18. Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken.  If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
  19. This is not an answering machine.  This is a telepathic thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
  20. If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it’s safe to leave us a message.
  21. You’re growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.