When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Here’s a list of actual things kids said or wrote while in Sunday school (certificate of authenticity on file… somewhere): In the first book of the Bible, GUINESSIS, God got
Actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out! I will surround their
In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a
You’re too stupid to lead… AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s
Sweet meets are candy, but sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly. Boxing rings are square. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are “unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,” committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don’t know the first thing about their business. For
These are reportedly taken from real resumes and cover letters. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. Education:
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling): My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for
ON TESCO’S TIRIMISU DESSERT Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING Product will be hot after heating. ON PACKAGING
TOP 8 OLD FOLKS PARTY GAMES Sag, You’re It! Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear Kick the Bucket. Red Rover, Red Rover,
These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or Officer Efficiency Reports (OERs). Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
Okay, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 660: Approximate number of the Beast DCLXVI: Roman numeral of the Beast 666.0000:
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head
Actual Newspaper Ads and Classifieds: 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON
Actual questions asked to park officials at various National Parks: Grand Canyon National Park: Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator
From the Washington Post Invitational contest, Merge-Matic Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable description of the merged book. “Machiavelli’s The
In large companies, it’s obviously important that memoranda contain lots of important buzzwords. What the memos actually say isn’t particularly important; if it were really important, someone would discuss it
Some of these are old, but they were all actual laws no too long ago! In Nichols County, West Virginia, no minister shall tell a funny story from the pulpit.
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords… “The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.” “I want some repairs done to my stove as
We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch.
MONDAYS: 8:00 “Husseinfeld” 8:30 “Mad About Everything” 9:00 “Suddenly Sanctions” 9:30 “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show” 10:00 “Allah McBeal” TUESDAYS: 8:00 “Wheel of Fortune and Terror” 8:30 “The Price
BELL ATLANTIC RESTAURANT 1095 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10036 800-621-9900 BELL ATLANTIC RESTAURANT SERVICES Cod steak $8.17 French fries $2.01 Peas $1.40 Limited Meal Service $30.85 Knife
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry
If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
Hymns, the way we’d sing them if we were honest: I Surrender Some There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings Fill My Spoon, Lord Oh, How I Like Jesus He’s Quite
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites: Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly We three kings of
ACTUAL answers given by contestants on “The Family Feud” Name something a blind person might use A sword Name a song with moon in the title Blue suede moon Name